Small, medium or large cheese factory

I have a hankering to write something. That may sound a little odd, given I regularly update this blog and have been fairly productive of late when it comes to fiction. However, I’ve been thinking recently that I should try my hand at a story with a straightforward, non-weird plot. Much as I enjoy writing ‘The Office of Lost and Found’, getting the words down on the page is a trivial job compared to the torturous effort involved in coming up with its complex and weird plots, where each chapter of 8,000 words is born of a month spent jotting down ideas, trying and rejecting twists and playing through scenes in my head until I’ve dreamt up a ‘final draft’ I can then hammer out on a keyboard over the course of a weekend. Planning out everything in advance saves on re-writes and typing – usually only passes for spelling and grammar are needed – but it sure ain’t any quicker.

So, while mulling over exactly how to handle the monsters under the bed from L&F chapter four, being able to rattle off some wordage on another story that doesn’t require the same brainpower would be good. But what to write? Watching ‘Charade’ the other week made me want to give that kind of Hitchcockian romance a go, but it could veer dangerously close to M101 territory (which is hard to avoid, given that story touches base on pretty much every genre save mediaeval fantasy… oh, on second thoughts, maybe it’s got a touch of that too). A crime novel? L&F features fistfuls of murders, a private detective and a femme fatale, as well as dipping its toe into horror.

I’ve got ideas for a science fiction novel and a proper mediaeval fantasy, but past experience has shown those genres are harder work than contemporary stuff, especially if you want to come up with something fresh.

I could use ‘Nothing Travels Faster Than Bad News’ as the starting point for a novel, throwing in some ideas for short films I never produced, like ‘The Cosmopolitan Boyfriend’, but that might end up as chick-lit.

Mel would probably point out at this point I’m doing my ‘yes, but…’ thing. ‘Yes, that’s a good idea in theory, but I can’t possibly do it because of these monkeys that have just flown up my ass. Seriously, look, my last poop was 90% capuchin.’

Which is true, I am, but… writing isn’t just about writing stuff. It’s about coming up with an idea you’re passionate about, giving it free reign to bounce around inside your head for weeks, months or years and then telling the story that finally pops out a random orifice. Or not telling the story if it pops out your bumhole as a steaming pile of poo, as occasionally happens.

So, I want to come up with a story that doesn’t overlap with other stories I’ve been writing, that doesn’t require all this meticulous planning beforehand, yet still tells a tale I’m excited about.

I’m open to suggestions.